I recently came to sad revelation. It had to do with my own walk and life in this journey of being a Christian.

As married couples sometimes do, my wife and I had a blow up about something that was very important to both of us. Not wanting to air out dirty laundry, let me simply say it boiled on to me being indeed caring, but unfortunately insensitive and blind, mixed in with some misunderstanding on both our parts. As we cried and fought over many days, and began to work things out, I began to ponder on why, after so many years, I was still not the man and husband I truly wanted to be. Was I simply not one of the elect? Was I doomed to failure, and if so, why? Why was I still struggling so much with what should be an easy and carefree walk with the Lord and marriage with my wife?

Finally I remembered a scripture passage I had read long ago, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for itÉ (Ephesians 5:25). Hmm! Christ gave up his total life for church; had I done that for my wife? Sadly, even though I love her dearly, I had not. I could think of many reasons why this had not come to pass, most being ineffectual. We truly did not have the best of beginnings, but the simple fact still remained. Then I began to ponder on my walk with the Lord Jesus, whom I also claim to love dearly. The same ugly fact was staring me in the face. I had not totally, even after so many years, given myself totally to God, maybe 90%, but not totally.

As I prayed and asked the Father for help and guidance, I remembered the Great Commandment portrayed in the book of Mark 12:29-30, when Christ answered a question put to him by a scribe:

Jesus answered, The first is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God, the Lord is one: and thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength.

I knew I had never really done that – not with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength. As most of us do, I kept a little bit back for myself. If you give your all doesn't that mean you have to die to yourself? According to scripture, that's exactly what you have to do. That is scary, that is, if you believe God might somehow let you down. Evidently, I did. I didn't trust God, and believe that "no one can snatch me from the Father's hands," or that God always completes what he started, or a hundred other passages you can think of where God assures us of His love and caring for us.

It is embarrassing and humiliating to realize you are a spiritual meatball. Good grief! After so many years had I still not come to understand this basic commandment of discipleship? Evidently, it was so. Man did I feel like the fruitless fig tree of the scriptures.

I recite Mark 12:29-30 many times during the day. My new goal is now to love Him with all that I am, trusting that it will spill into every other part of my life and walk, including my marriage. Already I can see instant, tiny changes that are being made on a daily basis in order to "put away the old man," and "put on the new man," and walk in the spirit. I'll have to separate myself from the world in some areas and become a friend to God. It will be a battle, but I will be holy as He is holy (I Peter 1:16); that's my fervent desire and aim. So, if you occasionally pray, send one up for me. I would appreciate it. In the meantime, have a blessed day. Later!